The Things I Want to Tell You

E M I L I A

- June 10, 2020

00:00

04:00

There’s so many things
I want to tell you.

I want to tell you
about the sweet-ass hiking boots
I manifested for free
from a thrift store in Santa Fe
just a week after I literally asked
the universe for them
like a gift straight
from the heavens.

I want to tell you
about the support process
I invented with a friend
that we’ve been doing
almost every single day
since quarantine started
officially titled
“Quantum Physics Magic Activation Check Ins”
(Yes, I named it.)

I want to tell you
how the big dipper
is the most constant thing
in my life—
how in high school
I wondered
if the stars
could still possibly exist
beyond the dark hair
of the boy who laid
drunkenly on top of me
and how
now I feel
the energy of the stars
move through my hands
as I pull them from the sky
and weave them in
to the hearts
and bodies
of the ones I love
the most.

I want to tell you
about all of the dreams
I’ve had about the ocean—
some with the tallest tidal waves
others where it slowly rose
chased me through streets
and seeped in the windows
of the buildings
I tried to hide in
to the one
I’ll never forget
where I laid on the sand
and breathed in
light expanding
between my every cell
until I became the waves
completely
and the one
from a few weeks ago too
where I let myself
fall backwards into it
(with a harp in my hands)
and felt the water
rushing over my body
as I floated
just below the surface.

I want to tell you
about the dreams
other people have
about me too—
how some have said
that I’ve shown up
every night for days
or for weeks
and others have said
that I am often present
standing to the side
while they’re going through
difficult things
and that they can feel
how much I love
and care for them
and the one
who told me recently
they were having
a horrible nightmare
until they saw my face
which woke them up
and brought relief
(even though
it had been years
since we last spoke.)

I want to tell you
about how I’m learning
to communicate
even when I feel
like I can’t
that I think I press
the gas pedal
and the brakes
at the same time
in many areas of my life
and that I’m learning
to take as much care
with endings
as I do
beginnings.

I want to tell you
about how the movie Rocketman
scared the shit out of me
and how dark
things can feel
in my mind
when sometimes
nothing
seems
real
how I can feel
the foundations
of my beliefs
about reality
fragile and shaking
from too many opinions
and perceptions of others
absorbed and consumed
as truth.

I want to tell you
about how my creative projects
continually manifest
as real life experiences
shortly after they’re shared
how strange it feels
and how also
it makes me
want to be
so careful
about what
I make.

I want to tell you
that everyone looks
like an innocent child
when they sleep.

And I want to tell you
about the value
of a breath
and how if everyone
really knew,
really
really knew,
how different
things would be
when someone said
they couldn’t breathe.